Scattered

I really need to start blogging more often. I have so much to say that this post is either going to be really long or totally scattered (most likely it will be both long and scattered!)

Tomorrow will be 9dpiui. I was really good last week and over the weekend about keeping busy and not thinking about the 2ww. But of course, once I got on the train to work this morning my mind started racing. Actually, it started racing first thing this morning when my temp was up 0.3 from my 2ww norm. Hmmm... Work was nutty today and probably will be the rest of the week so that kept me off Dr. Google (thankfully). As long as I can keep busy AFTER work, I think I can survive the next few days.

Speaking of work, I posted about a job opportunity that came my way a couple weeks ago. I called my friend who offered me the job on Wednesday before Thanksgiving and broke it to him that I had to turn the job down. After a lot of thinking, calculating, planning, etc I decided the timing just isn't right for me to more than double my commute. He totally understood and promised to let me know if anything changed with the job (the future potential of working from home) and/or if there might be some freelance opportunities available. Needless to say, it was hard to say no to an additional $20k/year and the opportunity to work in a totally different, somewhat more stable industry. They say timing is everything, right?

Hubby and I were at his parents for Thanksgiving which was wonderful. I really do like his family and am always reminded of this when we get together. I was nervous about his extended family asking about our "kid" plans. Only one person asked and it was in such a nonchalant, conversational tone that it didn't even bother me. I got to spend some quality time with my two SILs. I knew my one SIL was having some issues ovulating after going off the pill a year ago. Apparently she is still having problems so I suggested she see an RE. Even though they aren't quite ready to start a family, I told her it's better to find out about any problems as early as she can. We have some bad luck running in this family, because my other SIL and hubby's brother have been TTC for about six months. She just started using OPKs and everything seems to be normal, but it just hasn't happened for them yet. It's still too early for her to panic, but come on. Three women between the ages of 30-34 having TTC challenges?!?! It's beyond frustrating – for us and for my MIL who desperately wants a grandchild.

Anyway, hubby is in London for the next three days so it's just the fat cat and me. Someone has expressed his extreme depleasure at being left alone for four days, so I have some serious kitty love to give out until hubby gets home.

A little of this, a lot of that

I don't have a whole lot to report as I approach 3dpiui, so this post might be a little random. As I suspected, this first week of "the wait" seems to be flying by (is it really almost Thanksgiving?!?!), which just means I'm trying to stay positive for the second L-O-N-G week of the wait.

I started the progesterone suppositories this morning. I've never had to take a suppository but knew what to expect from Dr Google. Let's just say that my body literally chewed it up and spit it out. It was not pleasant, yet everything I expected it to be. Ugh...

I went to acupuncture again today. This is my fourth time, and I have yet to feel much of a difference. I always leave the office absolutely exhausted. I'm not sure why, but I just want to lay down and take a nap immediately. I'm trying to trust the process and be patient with positive thoughts, but without any tangible evidence it's hard. We'll see what happens after this cycle. I may or may not continue with the acupuncture.

Hubby and I are leaving Thursday morning to head home for Thanksgiving. Since I lost my mom three years ago, we usually spend the holidays with hubby's family (fortunately I get to see friends too because we grew up in the same area). I love his family so I don't mind. Except for the this year. I'm a little anxious about the trip. Hubby has an aunt who is so sweet and always wants the best for everyone but has a tendency to be a little intrusive. I'm preparing myself for the "when are you having kids" question. Usually I just tell people that "it's on our radar" and kind of leave it at that. I'm hoping I'll have the patience to do that this year as well, but I'm afraid I might snap given the stress of this infertility roller coaster I've been dealing with lately. Maybe I'll be in such a turkey-induced coma that it won't bother me!

Happy Turkey Day to everyone.

The waiting begins

Hubby and I went for IUI #2 this morning. He was a rock star with 84 million swimmers! Let's hope I can perform just as well. I'm going to be starting Endometrin for the first time this cycle. I've heard lots of horror stories, so I'm preparing myself for the worst. It should be fun taking suppositories twice a day while at my in-laws later this week. Thankfully we get our own bathroom and don't have to share with anyone.

I usually don't have too much trouble with the first week of the 2ww. It's the second week that kills me every time. I don't think this cycle is going to be any different. The next week will probably fly by. I'll be in Pittsburgh for work Monday, then busy at the office Tuesday and half day Wednesday and home to Cleveland on Thursday. We'll come back to NY on Sunday night and the real wait will set in. I've got a few things going on the week after Turkey Day, but I doubt it will be enough to keep me from obsessing over every little twinge and twang I feel and obsessively Googling sympotms.

I know keeping myself busy is the best way to survive the dreaded 2ww, but that's not always as easy as it sounds! I welcome any tips to keep busy and how to deal with the nastiness of the progesterone supps.

Playing the "what if" game

I received an email from a former colleague yesterday asking if I wanted to come work for him. It came out of nowhere, but after talking with him for a while last night it sounds like a very intriguing opportunity except for one thing — the commute. I'm fortunate now and live and work in Manhattan. My commute is about 25 minutes door-to-door. This new job opportunity would be in New Jersey. If I had a car that wouldn't be an issue, but the price of parking and insurance in Manhattan have kept hubby and I carless for the last three years.

There are ways to get to the *potential* new office via public transportation, but it wouldn't be easy or convenient, not to mention it would take well over an hour. Two years ago this wouldn't have been a concern, but now that we're trying to start a family it's a big concern.

Last night hubby and I played our favorite game of "what if." I used to be the only player in this game, but hubby is right there with me these days.
• What if I took the new job and got pregnant? FMLA requires you be employed for 12 months before you're covered.
• What if the new health insurance doesn't cover the Doc and his fabulous fertility practice?
• What if I am back at work after having the baby and the bus/trains aren't running on time and the nanny needs to leave?
• What if the baby is sick and I need to get home quickly?
• What if, what if, what if...

It's amazing how much I plan things for the future around something I have absolutely no control over. Needless to say, I have a lot to think about this weekend (I see a pro/con list in my future)!

The Doc knows best?

I went in for monitoring and u/s this morning. The right side still seems to be pretty quiet but the left side has two decent follies - 13mm and 14mm.

My last cycle I started on 75iu for the first five days then the Doc upped it to 112.5iu for the last three days before I triggered. I expected a similar situation this cycle since I responded well last time (4 on the left over 18mm and one on the right). Given the less than stellar performance of my follies this morning I expected to be told to up the dosage tonight and tomorrow before my Wednesday check-in. Nope! I'm supposed to continue with the 75iu and see where things are on Wednesday.

I'm a little frustrated but trying to remember that the Doc has a reason for keeping things low. I was in a meeting when the nurse called so she left me a voice mail. It's too late to call the office back now which means I can't find out the bloodwork numbers. Maybe that has something to do with the continued low dose? Maybe I'm over thinking things (I do have a *tiny* tendency to over think)? Maybe I should just relax and be thankful I have two follies that are progressing? Yeah, that's what I'll (try) to do.

A little bit of zen

I've been an active person all my life. For the past six years I've been into triathlons and running races. I've cut back my races since my first Clomid cycle, but not eliminated working out. It's my release. It's how I cope. It's what keeps me sane.

When I started the injections, the Doc told me I shouldn't run because of the increased size of my ovaries and the possibility of twisting, rupturing and generally bad things happening. I've taken that very seriously and ceased all running during the 10 days or so of the injections. Once that 2ww hits though, I pick up the (easy) running again.

I was so excited when hubby told me a month ago he wanted to start running again (he took a running break for a few years). I started him on an easy program which was perfect for me — I was able to run with him without exerting myself too much. I'm back on the injections now, so I haven't been able to run with him. But this afternoon when he went out for his run, I went with him and planned to walk. I have to be honest, it's hard for me to just walk when all I want to do is break into a comfortable run. We were in Central Park on a path that circles a reservoir around dusk. It was so beautiful to see the sun setting and the leaves blowing in the Fall breeze that I forgot I even wanted to run. I was content to just walk, enjoy the gorgeous sight and have a zen moment — something that doesn't happen often during this infertility roller coaster.

My walk might not have been the intense, heart-pounding run that I've always been used to but that's OK. It showed me that sometimes just slowing down and enjoying the view is enough (see, that zen moment is still with me five hours after the walk).

The color says it all

Growing up my mom painted her nails at the kitchen table every Sunday night. It was a ritual she had, and I loved to sit and watch her, fascinated by all the pretty colors and her perfect nails.

Thankfully her beautiful fingernail gene was passed on to me. I've got nice nails but rarely get manicures. I love pedicures but not manicures. I am such a perfectionist that I am never happy with the way someone else files and paints my fingernails. I prefer to do them myself.

I used to always wear neutral pink or beige, but recently I've noticed that my color choice has been a bit more selective. I currently have a really dark purple/black on my nails. I painted them Sunday evening, just after the arrival of AF. It wasn't a conscience decision to go with a dark, moody color, but I think it accurately reflected how I was feeling that day.

Sunday night is going to be here again soon (yay...the weekend!) which means I'll probably be repainting my nails. I'm three days into my injections and have another monitoring appointment Monday morning. I wonder what color I'll have on then?

From the beginning

I consider myself a pretty traditional girl. I grew up an only child of two loving parents who were always very active in my life. I played sports all through school, had a lot of friends, went to a traditional state college, met my husband, moved to a big city after college and started my career. My husband and I dated for eight years before getting married then moved to New York City to continue building our careers. A few years after getting married we started trying for a family. Being the traditional girl I am, I figured we'd be pregnant a few months after trying. Nope, no such luck.

After a few rounds of Clomid with my OB/GYN I found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately it was short lived and I had a chemical pregnancy. A few more rounds of Clomid with my OB/GYN and no success, so I turned to an RE. All the usual tests for hubby and I came back with great results. We were happy with that news, but that still left us without the family we'd been trying for. We've since moved on to injectables/IUI and are contemplating IVF (our insurance doesn't cover it so it's an out-of-pocket expense). I'm hoping the injectables/IUI route will work for us. In the meantime, I'm trying to remain calm and stress-free about this whole unexplained infertility saga.

When it became apparent to me that we were facing fertility challenges I felt so alone, confused and frustrated. Of course I had my hubby to turn to, but there is only so much support he can offer. I've shared some of my struggles with my aunt and a few friends but tend to keep things pretty private. However, I think I've reached the point in this battle that I'm ready to open up and share in the incredible support system all the IF bloggers have built. I want to thank you in advance for any advice, suggestions and comments you can offer!

I've overcome a lot in my life — the biggest being the loss of both my parents. I have faith that I will overcome this as well, but there are some days that I really do wonder if I will get my fairytale ending?

*A special thanks goes out to Such A Good Egg for inspiring me to start this blog!