A birthday surprise

Today, I turned 34 years old.

I'm an only child so my mom always made a very big deal about my birthday, especially because it's between Christmas and New Year's. She never wanted me to feel shortchanged or neglected because of other holidays. Today was always my day and I got whatever I wanted. I've tried to continue that tradition with Hubby (because really, who doesn't want that?!?!), but his family didn't make as big a deal about birthdays as mine did so it's been a hard sell.

In addition to today being my birthday I'm also 11dpiui. I have a slight obsession with POAS around this time in the 2ww, but told myself I would hold out until New Year's Day (14dpiui) just like the Doc said. I'm not sure why I thought I could do that this cycle. Maybe because we were at my in-laws? Or maybe because I was on vacation and would be so engrossed in a good book I wouldn't think about it?

Regardless, I asked Hubby yesterday if I could buy a test and take it this morning. He told me no, that I had to wait until Saturday, just like I thought he would say. So I pulled out my trump card and reminded him it was my birthday and I'm allowed to get whatever I want on my birthday (there may have been a little whiny voice included in this interaction as well). I told him I just wanted to see if the trigger shot was out of my system but didn't have my hopes up. I think the whiny voice worked, because he reluctantly agreed.

So I woke up at 7:30am this morning and proceeded to POAS at my in-laws. I sat there half awake and saw the single line appear like it always does. Then I saw the faint pink of a second line. I figured it was my imagination willing it to appear (again). I waited another minute and really did see a faint second line! I took the stick into Hubby, woke him up and showed him. He didn't exactly jump with joy, but cautiously said he saw a faint line. I'm still not 100% convinced this isn't a false positive left over from my trigger shot on Dec 17, but for a few minutes this morning I let myself enjoy the best birthday surprise I've ever gotten!

I'm going to try and be a good girl and wait to test again until Saturday morning, but if I'm really honest with myself there will likely be another test tomorrow morning and/or Friday morning. In the meantime, I'm considering my 34th my best year yet!!!

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UPDATE: I'm a sucker for POAS. I did it again this morning and still saw two lines...one slightly darker than yesterday. I climbed back into bed and Hubby asked me what the result was. I played dumb and asked what he was talking about. He said, I know you and you took another test, didn't you? I am horrible liar so I told him it's still looking good!!!

A very Merry Christmas

I've been celebrating Christmas with my husband and his family for over 10 years. During that time there have been enough moments for them to have earned the nickname "The Griswolds" (for those of you not familiar, do a quick search for National Lampoons Vacation and you'll see what I'm talking about). I'm happy to report this year has been a Griswold-free holiday. At least so far. We still have the big extended family gathering this afternoon so there is time for a fridge to stop working, a microwave to catch on fire or a casserole to explode (and yes, all of those things have happened in the past!).

We woke up on Christmas morning, ate breakfast and started the multi-hour present-opening ritual. We were all very spoiled! Once all the present madness was cleaned up we sat down for dinner. I had my cell phone with me because I was waiting for a call from my best friend in Europe. As we were finishing dinner I got a text from one of my college roommates telling me she was 9 weeks pregnant with baby #2. I didn't mean to, but I blurted out fuck and slammed my phone down on the table. I'm really happy for her, but I was having such a good Christmas Day and wasn't even thinking about the baby that I thought I would have had already, and this basically slapped me in the face with the reality of my IF struggles. Fortunately everyone at the table was aware (at least on a high level) of what Hubby and I have been going through so I didn't have to explain my little outburst.

I proceeded to make myself feel better with a few Christmas cookies and a piece of pumpkin pie. It worked! I went to bed with a full belly and feeling comforted to have such wonderful in-laws to spend Christmas with. Of course, I still feel sleep with thoughts of a bouncing baby on my lap next Christmas...

Deja vu

I've been here before. Excited for what might be waiting for me at the end of the next two weeks, yet nervous and anxious for what might be waiting for me at the end of the next two weeks. Does it ever get any easier?

I'm 1dpiui today. Everything went the way it should yesterday. Hubby had a good sample with 73 million swimmers and I had an uneventful IUI. I'm getting spoiled having these on the weekends because it allows me to come home, lay on the couch and just relax. Which is exactly what I did all day yesterday. I felt kind of guilty for not leaving the apartment at all, but after the whirlwind week I had it was kind of nice too.

Hubby and I leave Thursday to fly to Ohio for the holidays. We'll be there until the following Wednesday and then we're off the remainder of the week. I'll be able to test on January 1 which is pretty scary. I feel like it's going to set the tone for 2011. After the continued disappointments of 2010, I'm not sure I can take 2011 starting off with disappointment as well (fingers crossed that won't be the case).

The next two weeks should fly by with even more work, travel, food, family, friends and holiday things going on. I'll need the distractions! Unfortunately, all the craziness might keep me away from blogland longer than usual. I'll still be checking in, but might not be leaving comments or posting too much. Happy holidays and safe travels bloggie friends!

Flying right along

I have to make this a quick post, work is out-of-control busy and our holiday party is tonight.

I went to see the Doc this morning for monitoring and it looks like I'm on the fast track this cycle. He said I was ready (I thought I might be based on what my body was telling me). I have two follies on the right, one at 20mm and one at 19mm and three on the left, one at 20mm, one at 18mm and one at 17mm (and a couple other smaller ones). My lining was a little weak at 7.5mm but I'm hoping that will fluff up before the Saturday morning IUI.

My company holiday party is tonight on a boat in the middle of the Hudson River. I was a good girl and packed my inject pen so I could take it on time, but had to go back home and switch the Gonal-F for the Ovidrel. That only added to my stressful day because I got to work an hour late.

Anyway, we're scheduled for Saturday morning and I plan on doing NOTHING but lay on the couch after. I'm going to attempt to keep a little zen during this 2ww, especially with the holiday craziness I'm in the midst of.

Home sweet home

Wow, it's been a full week since I last posted, how did that happen?!? It's been a little crazy, but crazy with typical life details, not too much on the baby-making front.

I went to the Doc last Thursday for day 3 blood work and u/s. Apparently one of the follies on the right side never released so I have a cyst. The Doc wasn't too concerned and said I would likely move forward with this cycle, but he'd be able to tell me for sure once the blood work came back. All numbers came back normal so we moved forward as planned.

Hubby and I had plans to be out of town for the weekend so I mentioned to the Doc that I wouldn't be able to come in for Sunday monitoring. He decided to have me hold off starting the injects until Friday night so I wasn't going four days without monitoring. In hindsight, that was a great decision on his part because Hubby and I got stuck in Chicago Sunday and I had to miss my Monday morning monitoring appointment. I was in a total panic when I realized I was going to miss the appointment (and go four days without monitoring), but my nurse was awesome. She emailed the Doc right away, he said not to worry and enjoy my "snow day". I think they're learning that I tend to get a little panicky when things don't go exactly according to plan. (You'd think by now I'd realize there is a LOT of stuff out of my control, but no, I still want everything to go the way it's supposed to.)

Anyway, Hubby and I were able to visit my aunt and some friends who still live in Chicago. It was a wonderful weekend with lots of laughing, eating, drinking and good times. We even made the best of getting stuck for an extra day and trekked through the blowing snow to watch some football and hang out.

We finally made it home this afternoon without any additional problems. I've got my monitoring appointment tomorrow morning to see how the follies are progressing this cycle. The Doc increased my initial dosage this time to 112 (usually we start at 75 then increase after a few days). Hopefully I've got some good ones growing in there so we can get the IUI in before we leave again for Christmas in Ohio.

I have a feeling the next two weeks are going to fly by. I've got a couple of holiday parties, lots of meetings at work, shopping, baking and baby-making that all needs to get done before next Thursday!

Tis the season

The Doc's office must have been backed up today because I just now got my bloodwork results — at 4:30pm, usually they call around 1pm. They confirmed what I already knew, my HCG level was less than 1. I actually started spotting a little this morning, so I'll likely be fully into CD1 tomorrow which means the shots begin on Thursday. Let the games begin...again.

I've been thinking about the reasons why I seem to taking this latest BFN so well. I really think it has a lot to do with the holiday season. This is by far my favorite time of year. I love it when there is a light coating of snow on the ground and the lights are twinkling on the trees. When I left the apartment for work this morning, there were flurries in the air. The first of the season in NYC and they were beautiful. I actually smiled to myself.

It's amazing what a little holiday spirit can do for my mood. Tis the season:)

BFN...I think?

It's 14dpiui and I woke up at 6:30am this morning and POAS - a digital test. I got a big fat NOT PREGNANT (do they really have to put in all caps? I mean come on, I get it!). I can't say I was totally surprised because I haven't really "felt" pregnant. My boobs haven't been sore the last few days even though they are still huge (hubby is loving that!). I've been having some mild cramping but my period hasn't shown up yet. I'm assuming the huge boobs and cramping are all side effects of the progesterone I'm still taking.

I called the Doc and asked the nurse if I should stop the progesterone and she said to come in for a blood test tomorrow morning. I'm 95% certain I know what the results will be, but I'm holding out the slightest bit of hope (probably naive on my part, but a girl can dream, right?). If I look at the positive, the progesterone has seemed to help my short 10-day luteal phase which is encouraging.

Surprisingly, I've been OK today. I think I had myself mentally prepared for a BFN this cycle even though on paper everything was perfect. I didn't even cry this time which is pretty unusual these days. Hubby and I never went back to sleep this morning after the results, we just cuddled and talked about our frustrations. We were pretty lazy most of the day but finally went out for a chilly 4 mile run which was great for both of us. You gotta love those endorphins! We talked about taking a break cycle, but if the timing works out with our holiday travel plans I think we're going to move forward with injects/IUI #3. We're not quite ready to plan for an IVF cycle and since my insurance covers unlimited IUI we're going to keep going with that plan of action.

So unless my blood test comes back with some surprising news tomorrow it's time to move on to the next one (which will be THE one - it would be a great way to start 2011!).

My brain is killing me

Today is 11dpiui and I'm starting to go a little nuts. I've been overanalyzing every twinge, pinch, tweak, twist, soreness and tickle for the past three days. I mentioned to hubby last night that I really, really wanted to POAS this morning (Sidebar: The one time I did get a BFP it first showed up 11dpo. It was faint but visible enough that both hubby and I saw it). He took one look at me, said no and walked out of the room. He knows me too well. If he had even wavered in his answer for one second, I would have took that to mean it was OK. What I didn't tell him is that I POAS Tuesday night while he was out of town (9dpiui, and Wednesday was his birthday...wouldn't it have been a great birthday present to tell him we got a BFP?!?!) But I know I was bad, bad, bad. I couldn't help myself. The Ovidrel was out of my system by that point so I figured why not? I swear I saw the faintest of faint lines, but I'm almost positive that I willed the line to be there and in reality it was too early to show up.

Now I'm scared to go to the bathroom for fear of what lurks on the TP when I wipe. My last few cycles have only had 10-11 day luteal phases, so I'm definitely in the midst of the danger zone. But this is my first cycle with progesterone during the luteal phase, so I really don't know what to expect.

In the interest of trying to keep what little sanity I have left this cycle, I'm going to live in my fairytale land and pretend that all the little twinges and pinches I'm feeling are just my ute stretching for the baby that's burrowing in for the next nine months. Because if I think anything else right now I just might lose my shit!