Two months: The good and the bad

I really, really need to get more consistent with blogging...sorry for yet another bulleted list post.

• Will turned two months old on Friday. We went to the doctor on Thursday for his checkup and first round of vaccines. He's right on target, weighing 11lbs. 1oz and 23.5" long. He did pretty well with the vaccines but was very tired and fussy the rest of the day and all day Friday. Poor little guy.

• I'm getting consistent smiles and coos from him which is awesome. They are the most abundant in the morning or right after he has really stinky farts (and let me tell you, this boy can fart!).

• He's starting to intentionally put his hands in his mouth. It's hilarious because when he gets them in there he sucks with such passion I'm surprised he hasn't hurt himself. It's so loud Hubby heard it two rooms away the other day! And he likes to double fist. I guess he takes after his Daddy during his college years.

• The sleeping is still a work in progress, but we seem to be down to one night time feeding around 3-4am. At his age, I'm not complaining! I know how lucky we are that he's a good sleeper. I keep waiting for something to happen that will blow up this good thing we have going on. I know I should just relax and enjoy the fact that my 9-week old baby can sleep for 12 hours and only wake once, but I can't. I want to enjoy it, but how do I retrain my brain to not expect the worst?!?!

• I'm still pumping and nursing him once in the morning. I'm becoming very resentful of the damn pump, but loving the morning time with my little man. I don't want to stop nursing him, but for my own sanity I'm going to start weaning him at 10 weeks. It's so bittersweet because we're pros with the nursing but the damn pump is my nemesis. I can't get rid of the guilt either. I've tried to come to terms with my sucky situation of a low supply, but I still feel like I've failed him in some way. Even though I know I haven't.

• I love routine. I like to know when things are going to happen and get a little flustered when my routine gets derailed. I thought having a newborn would fit right into my love of routine, but it doesn't, at least not in the way I was used to having a routine. Yes, there is a routine. Yes, I generally know how things are going to play out, but OH MY GOD is it monotonous. I never knew my life would be subdivided into 3-4 hour segments like this. Why don't people tell you this? Or did they tell me and I didn't pay attention?

• In general I know we've gotten extremely lucky with Will. He's usually a very happy, content and sweet baby. Sure he has his fussy days and days when I can't do anything right by him, but what baby doesn't? All of my issues with motherhood are my own issues. The guilt over the breastfeeding, the resentment towards Will for making my days so boring sometimes, the feelings that I'm doing something wrong that is going to screw him up for life, the general feeling of inadequacy as a mother that I feel. I'm a perfectionist and I think that is playing a huge part in how I feel. I can only control so much when it comes to a baby and that is hard for me to wrap my head around at times. As time passes I'm getting better about cutting myself some slack, but there is always going to be a part of me that wonders "am I REALLY doing the best I can for my son?"

• Despite my crazy feelings, I really do grow more in love with Will everyday. With this face, how could I not?!?!

Our version of sleep training

"Does your baby sleep through the night yet?"

This seems to be the question of the day and it's one I get asked all the time about Will. My answer, no but we're working on it. Here's how we're working on it (nothing scientific here, this is all trial and error and honestly we really have no clue what the hell we're doing!)...

Will has always been a fairly good sleeper, especially at night. He generally goes to bed without a fight and only wakes to eat then goes back to sleep (the daytime is a different story I'll save for another post).

From the time the baby nurse started, when Will was 1 week old, we put him on a bedtime routine. We start with a warm bath, then give him a little baby massage, a clean diaper with his bottom slathered in diaper rash cream (we try to limit night time diaper changes so the diaper rash cream has been important), jammies and his night time feeding. When we feed him this night time bottle we dim the lights, put the TV on mute and play soothing music to "set the mood" for sleep. Regardless how much or how often he feeds at night, we always start with this routine.

After doing a little research online (again I resorted to Dr. Goo.gle), we decided to give cluster feeding a try. Will's bedtime feeding is at 8pm so we started giving him a feed at 6pm to "fill his tank" before he went to sleep. This worked OK and bought us an extra 30-45 minutes, so we thought we would add a dreamfeed as well (yes, both at the same time). Hubby would get Will up at 10pm and feed him again. Will was usually coherent enough to take a bottle but not awake. Again, this only bought us about an extra 30 minutes. We were doing both of these techniques together for 3-4 days.

We realized with the extra dreamfeed, Will was getting way too much to eat in one day causing him to spit up a lot more than usual. We cut out the dreamfeed and it made no difference to Will, he still slept the extra 30 minutes or so. Apparently it worked since we got a little more sleep time from him and had no adverse reaction when we stopped it.

We kept the cluster feed for an addition 4 days or so after stopping the dreamfeed but eventually eliminated it after realizing it wasn't doing anything additional for us after the initial 30-45 minutes extra we got.

So what does this all mean? Well, for Will it seems that these two techniques got him (and us) and little extra sleep but it's a slow process and I think as he gets older he'll naturally stretch out his sleeping times. The one other thing we've done is stretch his daytime feedings a little. Instead of feeding him every 3 hours we usually go between 3.5 and 4.5 depending on his naps. He's getting used to going a little longer between feedings and that seems to help at night.

We're moving him from the bassinet in our bedroom to his crib in the next week or so, and we're hoping once he's settled into his crib we can start to work on eliminating the 5am feeding. I think we're going to try a dreamfeed scenario at 5am and see if we can make that work for us again. Who knows?!?!

I wish I had a magic answer for getting Will to sleep well at night, but I don't. It's just been lots of trial and error with some rough nights thrown into the mix. But to anyone looking for answers to sleeping longer at night I suggest you try either cluster feeding or dreamfeeding or a combination of both. And make sure the baby is getting enough food during the day as well as enough day time sleep (but not too much day time sleep!).

7 weeks...where has the time gone?

Despite my lack of posting I'm still here, but can't believe Will is 7 weeks old today. I have no clue where the time has gone. I seem to be busy all the time but really can't pinpoint what I've done other than feed, change and cuddle my little guy.

He's growing and changing like crazy. By my estimation (and crappy digital home scale), he weighs a little over 10lbs now. He's outgrown most of his newborn clothes and almost fits into the 3 month clothes. He's definitely longer than he is wide, but he has the cutest pudgy thighs.

We're working on getting him down to one feeding at night. He typically sleeps from 8:30pm-8am with two feeds. Hubby does one feed and I do the other. If we can get him down to one feed I think it will mean more sleep for all of us. We're getting close...

The past couple of days he's given me some real smiles. Not gas smiles or fake smiles, but real gummy, toothless smiles. I get them the most in the morning after I nurse him. Sometimes he'll hiccup and think its funny so he'll let out a little squeal and smile so big I can't help but smile right back at him. It melts my heart every time.

The breastfeeding is the same story, different day. I nurse him in the morning and pump during the day. He's still getting 10-12oz of breast milk a day and the rest formula. I'm probably going to start weaning in early November. Honestly, I never I thought I would make it that long given my low supply so I'm ecstatic he'll be getting breast milk for over 2 months. But the guilt? Yeah, it's still there. Now it's guilt over wanting to stop when we seem to be in a routine that works. It's the pumping that is purely exhausting to me. I need to figure out a way to be 100% ok with weaning before I do it. I don't want any regrets.

This motherhood thing is still really hard. It's very monotonous and often really lonely and isolating, despite my best efforts to get out of the apartment every day and meet some other new moms. I know it will get better, but these early weeks are much more of a challenge than I expected. Maybe I need to try and blog a little more consistently...at least this gives me a place to vent without sounding like a horrible mother!

To end on a bright note, here is a recent picture of Will making his fish-face at me.

One month old

Mr. William was one month old yesterday! My little man is getting so big! We had his one-month doctor appointment this morning and he's up to 9lbs and is 21.5" long (he's definitely longer than he is wide). He got one shot but handled it like a champ. The doctor said everything looked great, the only thing he said is we could increase Will's feeding amounts if he would take more. Other than that, we're right on target (whew, I still get nervous after the jaundice issue).

We went through a period last week where he didn't want to sleep during the day, but was still sleeping at night. It had me completely stressed out by the end of the day to the point that he and I were both in tears. Thankfully, Hubby and I were able to get him back to his routine over the weekend and we're doing much better this week (although the general exhaustion is overwhelming!). Will still has a couple periods during the day where he doesn't sleep, but he's content just hanging out, being read to, going for a walk, etc.

Monday was our first "new mom's group" which was great. It's run by the same woman I went to for an "expectant mom's group" while I was pregnant. It was comforting to hear some of the things other moms are going through and realizing that all the crazy things I'm feeling, the irrational fears, the self-doubt, all of it is normal. I've been scared to put Will in the Baby Bj.orn because I thought he was too little, but there was another mom there who had her son in it and he's the same age as Will. It gave me a boost of confidence to at least open the package. Granted, I haven't tried it yet, but I'm getting closer than I was a week ago...baby steps.

I'm still have milk supply issues, but we've seemed to settle into a pattern that is working for us. It's still exhausting and time consuming, but I feel less guilty now than I did a couple weeks ago. I nurse Will when he first wakes up in the morning, then I nurse him a second time in the morning. After that I wait a couple of hours and pump. The next feeding is expressed milk in a bottle, I pump again and give him another bottle of expressed milk (if I have enough, some days I don't). By this point we're getting ready for his bedtime feedings which always switch over to formula. I pump once more before I go to bed and we use formula for the remainder of his nighttime feedings. So he's getting about 50/50 right now. As we increase his feeding amounts, he'll be getting more formula but that's OK. I'm giving him as much breast milk as I can. I'll be OK with that if I can continue this routine until 6 weeks. We'll see...

Other than the daytime sleeping issues we had, my little man is such a joy. He is so curious and loves to look around and take everything in. He gets a baby massage every night after his bath and he LOVES it, especially having his little legs and back massaged. I can't stop kissing and "eating" his chubby little cheeks and his double chins. I'm starting to getting little half smiles from him in the mornings and hearing sounds that aren't cries or farts...they're really baby gurgles/giggles:)

Slowly, very slowly, and with the help of Hubby, I'm starting to get the hang of this thing and feel more comfortable and more confident in myself as a mommy.

Will - one month old

Life as a mommy

Wow, I can't believe I have a 3-week old. Actually, if I look at my erratic blogging and commenting yes I can. I apologize for being a slacker, but I'm still trying to get into my routine. So, for now I'm going with the classic bullet point post...

• Will is doing great. We went for his 2-week checkup last week and he had surpassed his birth weight which was a huge relief given how much he lost because of the early dehydration and jaundice. Dr. L said we were doing great with him and the jaundice episode is completely behind us.
• Well, the jaundice episode might be behind us physically, but mentally it's left me totally gun shy. From day one I haven't been producing enough milk for Will, despite diligent pumping and every other trick in the book. So, we've been supplementing with formula at night and expressed breast milk during the day (I haven't been confident he would get enough from nursing. I'm more comfortable giving it to him in a bottle so I KNOW he's getting enough). It's exhausting to feed him a bottle of breast milk and then have to pump an hour later. Honestly, it leaves no time for anything.
• I mentioned all this to Dr. L and he said to nurse him the first two feeds in the morning when my supply is at it's highest. I've been trying that for a couple days now and it seems to be OK, although I'm still not confident he's getting enough at the second feed. But at least I know he can make up for it later in the day if he needs to through the bottle.
• I don't know how long I can keep up the nursing/pumping/formula scenario. I want him to get as much breast milk as he can (and I do enjoy the few nursing sessions we do have), but I also need to find a time balance. I'm feeling horribly guilty that I'm even thinking about stopping the nursing at 6 weeks. I can't help it. I feel like I'm failing my son, even though the rational side of me knows he really is thriving. Hubby has been incredibly supportive about whatever I want to do, which isn't helping me feel any less guilty...
• I've gotten more comfortable taking Will out of the apartment on my own. Hubby is back at work full time and we no longer have the baby nurse during the day (just a couple nights during the week which will end at the end of this week). It's always an accomplishment if I'm able to shower and brush my teeth before noon, and an even bigger accomplishment if we get out of the apartment. For the most part Will does great, unless it's close to feeding time. Then all hell breaks loose because when this guy is hungry you better feed him PRONTO!
• Will is a pretty gassy baby, but we're starting to distinguish his gassy cries from his other cries so we can act accordingly (rub his back, try to burp him again, use the gas drops if we get desperate, etc.). Other than the gas, he's generally a very happy baby.
• Even though I know it's likely just gas, I think I got the beginnings of a smile from him yesterday morning. It melted my heart and made me forget how tired I was. Who knew one little gassy smile would bring such pleasure?!?!

• As for me, I've lost all the weight except 3 pounds which are going to be the hardest (fortunately, I only gained 25lbs total so I didn't have tooooo much to lose). Everything on my body is soft and mushy. As soon as I'm able I need to get my body back to some sort of normal...it's driving me nuts.
• Despite all the challenges, feelings of guilt, wondering if I'm doing this wrong and screwing my kid up for the rest of his life, he is 100% worth it!!!

My fairytale ending...and a new beginning

WARNING: This post is going to have lots of TMI and is going to talk about my birth experience. If you're struggling with IF issues you may want to skip this post (I know I likely would have a year ago!).

After my 37-week doctor's appointment on Friday when Dr. B. told me I was 2cm and he wouldn't be surprised if I delivered in the next week, Hubby and I went into overdrive. We finished the nursery (I'll save that for another post), I ran lots of errands, finally packed my hospital bag and got lots of food to cook during the week and freeze.

I had plans on Sunday to meet another preggo friend for a walk at 4pm and then a haircut and color at 6:15pm (my grays desperately needed to be covered!!). I ran a few final errands Sunday morning and was back home around 12:15pm. I sat down on the couch to rest for a few minutes and noticed a little dampness in my underwear. I went to the bathroom and everything seemed normal but things were a little more wet than they were 5 minutes prior (and I had just used the bathroom so I knew it wasn't pee). There was no color or odor, but it was so minimal I put it out of my mind. About 10 minutes later I had the same damp feeling again. Another bathroom check and there was a little more wetness on my underwear.

Hubby was getting ready to go into the office for a couple of hours, so I walked into the other bathroom and told him I thought my water might be starting to break. What was his reaction...a totally blank stare! I think we were both in a little bit of a shock. We decided I would wait another half hour and see if there was more wetness and then call the doctor.

He went to the office and I tried to relax. 15 minutes later and more wetness. At this point, I put on a light pad and called the doctor and left a message for him to call me back. Dr. S. was on call Sunday, so he called back about a half hour later and told me the only way to know for sure was for me to come into the hospital. I called Hubby and we agreed he would come home in an hour and we'd go to the hospital. During that time I had a few small gushes, although I use that term lightly. They were like mini-gushes; I could feel fluid leaking out but never really felt a gush.

We got to the hospital around 4:30pm, and I was in the triage area, in a gown and hooked up to the monitors by 5:00pm. Dr. S. came over and did a quick check of the fluid. Ironically, as soon as he had me open my legs I had a gush...yep, my water broke and I was in labor! He didn't do an internal to see how far along I was because once the water breaks it makes the risk of infection go up dramatically.

This whole time I'd been having contractions, but they weren't consistent and weren't very strong. They were gradually getting stronger, but nothing more painful than period cramps. Dr. S. had my birth plan with him, which he was OK with except for the fact that now that my water had broken we were working against the clock because of an infection risk. He suggested giving me a low dose of Pitocin to get the contractions to become more regular and stronger. I agreed, but still asked to not have an epidural.

I kind of lost track of time at this point, but probably around 7:00ish the nurse and Dr. S. came in to see how I was doing. I was being given the lowest dose of Pitocin but it was definitely working. The contractions were pretty regular and definitely stronger. I was having to concentrate on my breathing to get through them. We talked about an epidural but I still didn't want one. I did agree to have the consultation with the anesthesiologist just in case. We talked, I understood everything and he went on his way. I worked through another half hour or so of the contractions and decided I'd already had an IV and Pitocin so I was going to get the epidural. Lesson learned...birth plans are just that, a plan. Nothing is set in stone!

The anesthesiologist came back within 5 minutes, got me set up and did his thing. It didn't really hurt other than the shot to numb the area, and it was over within 10 minutes. Dr. S. told me I should feel the full effects within 10-20-minutes. After 20 minutes, my left side was feeling 100x better, but I could still feel almost the full effect of the contractions on my right side. I called the nurse back in and she got the anesthesiologist to correct things so I'd have equal relief. Another 15 minutes later and I finally had relief on both sides. I was still aware of the peak of the contractions because of a feeling of pressure, but it wasn't the intense, white-knuckle pain I was feeling before.

At this point, Dr. S. wanted to do an internal to see how things were progressing. It was probably 8 or 8:30pm by now. He did his thing and told me I was 7cm dilated. We were all shocked how far along I was! Apparently my body had kicked it into high gear and took over the contractions. They turned off the Pitocin and let my body (and the Woowoo) continue doing its thing.

45 minutes later Dr. S. came back to do another check and announced we had reached 9cm and I would be having a baby very soon. To be honest, I was still in shock I was labor so to hear that I would have my baby so soon was totally surreal. Thankfully Hubby was there with me to calm me down. We started placing bets as to what time he would come out. It turned into a texting game of Price Is Right with his family about the time. I predicted the earliest time at 12:17am, I figured I'd be pushing for a while.

Dr. S. and the nurse left for a bit but told us to let them know right away if I felt the urge to push, or rather the urge to poop. I started to feel some small urges with contractions but nothing like "Oh my God, I have to take a giant crap RIGHT NOW!".

Around 9:45pm, they came back in and after another internal I was at 10cm. It was go time! The nurse got the room ready, Dr. S. got his speakers and his pushing playlist ready and the baby nurse came in (yes, my doctor brought in portable speakers, hooked up his iPod and had a pushing playlist...it was awesome!!)

They had me slid down almost on my back, but with Hubby behind my head supporting my back. I grabbed behind my thighs and they had me push twice. These weren't the "real" pushes, but rather to see where the baby's head was. After the two pushes, Dr. S. announced I was having this baby NOW. And then my contractions stalled. Fabulous. It took about 2 minutes before I had another contraction and felt the urge to push. I took a big deep breath, Hubby supported my back and I leaned over my belly while pushing as hard as I could. The rumors are true, you really do push like you're trying to take a giant poop! The baby crowned with that push to the point that Hubby could see hair (even though he was at the "north end" as Dr. S. put it). Another contraction came, and another deep breath and push...out came the baby's head. The next push ended up being a half push, Dr. S. told me half way through it to not push so hard and the baby's shoulders and baby slid right out.

I couldn't believe it...basically three pushes and I was looking at my son! (Sidebar: the postpartum hormones are no joke, I just started crying as I typed that sentence...I have a son!!). Apparently the little man had to go to the bathroom because he had his first bowel movement immediately and all over me. I had no clue and didn't even care. I guess it was pretty huge because it was everywhere, so the nurse gave him a quick 15 second wipe down and then handed him to me. He wasn't really crying, just kind of whimpering, but calmed down and started to lose the blue color once he was on my chest. The feeling was beyond words. I started crying, Hubby couldn't stop smiling and the Woowoo just nuzzled into me.

I got to hold my little boy for about 20 minutes while I delivered the placenta 8 minutes later and Dr. S. sewed me up. I had two minor (first degree) tears that required a few stitches. I think they probably happened when he told me to stop pushing so hard. Oops...

The baby nurse came over and took Will to the warmer to get cleaned up, put a diaper on (we weren't sure if he was done pooping yet or not), and get a quick check. She had him back in my arms in 10 minutes where he immediately found my boob and started going to town. That was another totally indescribable feeling. It calmed me down and he seemed so content. Meanwhile, Hubby is snapping pictures and taking videos, all the while staring at Will with the cutest, silliest grin on his face.

Within in an hour or so I was transferred up to my room and Hubby and I settled in for the night. I never went to sleep, I stayed up the whole time holding Will and just staring at him. I couldn't believe such an amazing little being came out of me. It was (and still is) such a totally surreal experience...and one I am incredibly thankful to have been blessed to experience.

I finally got my fairytale ending! Now it's time for a new beginning of a whole different kind (and maybe I need to rethink my blog name?!?!).

We're back home

Will was released from the NICU around 1pm yesterday afternoon, just in time for us to bring him home and get him settled in before the hurricane hit the city. Fortunately, all three of us pretty much slept through the worst of it and we never lost power. We had one minor water leak in the bedroom near the window, but because we rent in a condo building it's the buildings problem, not ours!

My anxiety levels have gone down quite a bit since bringing Will back home. We have him eating at least 2oz every 3 hours and he's sleeping really well...so far:) We have a follow-up appointment with the pediatrician tomorrow to check his weight and make sure the jaundice has remained under control since leaving the NICU. Hubby has to go into the office so it will be my first venture out alone with Will.

We also have the baby nurse starting tomorrow. At this point, I think we could probably be OK without her, but I'm hoping she can help me learn how to properly bathe him, how to keep my milk production up (it's been really low which I think contributed to his dehydration) and keep things on a manageable schedule.

I have a labor post and a nursery post started, but wanted to let you all know that we're home safe and sound before posting anything else. Thank you so much for your kind words and all of your support. I've been keeping up with your blogs, just haven't had much time to comment. To those who have had babies...congrats!! I'll post more appropriate comments on your blogs soon:)

These pics are a little blurry, but it's hard to take a picture of a squirmy newborn (and Will is a squirmy guy!).

A happy little guy after filling his tummy

A full tummy, a dry diaper and a clean onesie...it's a good day!