Life as a mommy

Wow, I can't believe I have a 3-week old. Actually, if I look at my erratic blogging and commenting yes I can. I apologize for being a slacker, but I'm still trying to get into my routine. So, for now I'm going with the classic bullet point post...

• Will is doing great. We went for his 2-week checkup last week and he had surpassed his birth weight which was a huge relief given how much he lost because of the early dehydration and jaundice. Dr. L said we were doing great with him and the jaundice episode is completely behind us.
• Well, the jaundice episode might be behind us physically, but mentally it's left me totally gun shy. From day one I haven't been producing enough milk for Will, despite diligent pumping and every other trick in the book. So, we've been supplementing with formula at night and expressed breast milk during the day (I haven't been confident he would get enough from nursing. I'm more comfortable giving it to him in a bottle so I KNOW he's getting enough). It's exhausting to feed him a bottle of breast milk and then have to pump an hour later. Honestly, it leaves no time for anything.
• I mentioned all this to Dr. L and he said to nurse him the first two feeds in the morning when my supply is at it's highest. I've been trying that for a couple days now and it seems to be OK, although I'm still not confident he's getting enough at the second feed. But at least I know he can make up for it later in the day if he needs to through the bottle.
• I don't know how long I can keep up the nursing/pumping/formula scenario. I want him to get as much breast milk as he can (and I do enjoy the few nursing sessions we do have), but I also need to find a time balance. I'm feeling horribly guilty that I'm even thinking about stopping the nursing at 6 weeks. I can't help it. I feel like I'm failing my son, even though the rational side of me knows he really is thriving. Hubby has been incredibly supportive about whatever I want to do, which isn't helping me feel any less guilty...
• I've gotten more comfortable taking Will out of the apartment on my own. Hubby is back at work full time and we no longer have the baby nurse during the day (just a couple nights during the week which will end at the end of this week). It's always an accomplishment if I'm able to shower and brush my teeth before noon, and an even bigger accomplishment if we get out of the apartment. For the most part Will does great, unless it's close to feeding time. Then all hell breaks loose because when this guy is hungry you better feed him PRONTO!
• Will is a pretty gassy baby, but we're starting to distinguish his gassy cries from his other cries so we can act accordingly (rub his back, try to burp him again, use the gas drops if we get desperate, etc.). Other than the gas, he's generally a very happy baby.
• Even though I know it's likely just gas, I think I got the beginnings of a smile from him yesterday morning. It melted my heart and made me forget how tired I was. Who knew one little gassy smile would bring such pleasure?!?!

• As for me, I've lost all the weight except 3 pounds which are going to be the hardest (fortunately, I only gained 25lbs total so I didn't have tooooo much to lose). Everything on my body is soft and mushy. As soon as I'm able I need to get my body back to some sort of normal...it's driving me nuts.
• Despite all the challenges, feelings of guilt, wondering if I'm doing this wrong and screwing my kid up for the rest of his life, he is 100% worth it!!!

A quick update

This will be quick because we have a lot going on right now, but I need to write some things down - if nothing else than to try and maintain my emotional sanity.

Will (screw the anonymity, my sweet baby boy's name is Will!), went for his newborn doc appt on Thursday afternoon. Everything looked good except for the slight jaundice hue he had. The doc (Dr. L. - thanks Sienna...LOVE him!) did a bilirubin test and called us about 10pm to tell us his numbers were too high and we needed to take Will to the ER immediately for evaluation and treatment.

That wasn't a totally nerve wracking call or anything! Thankfully Hubby answered the phone and was able to talk to the doc, I would have been in tears.

So, we packed up Will and took our first NYC cab ride to Corn.ell ER. After lots of tests and waiting he was admitted to the NICU around 2:30am. I couldn't stop crying the entire time we were in the ER. How the hell was I supposed to leave my 4 day old baby?!?! I'm crying as I type this. These postpartum hormones are NO JOKE!

Walking out of the hospital at 3am with my son was the hardest thing I've had to do. Even harder than losing my mom...but thankfully I knew my mom and dad (who Will is named after) were going to watch over him and take care of him.

Anyway, my short post is getting long here...

I spent all day with him yesterday, feeding him (he's breastfeeding but my milk production is really low so we're supplementing with lots of formula to get him rehydrated and gaining weight), cuddling him, changing his numerous poopy diapers and watching him pee on his own head (oops, gotta remember to keep that little weewee covered during the diaper changes). The morning test results were good and they thought he would be released last night...no such luck. The afternoon test results were the same as the morning results, as opposed to being better as they should have been.

So, yet again Hubby and I walked out of the ER without our baby boy. I was able to get a little sleep last night, but I'm up every 3 hours pumping in the hopes that will help increase my milk production, so it wasn't a consistent sleep.

We decided to hold off on the baby nurse even before Will was sent to the hospital because we wanted to try and figure a few things out on our own. As of now, she's schedule to be here Monday morning. But who knows if that will happen because of Hurricane Irene.

Speaking of that bitch, Hubby went out yesterday to stock up on supplies, not so much for the hurricane itself, but in preparation of losing electricity for a long time. It's not something I'm looking forward to, but leaving the city isn't an option right now and we've done what we can to prepare. Now we just sit and hope she changes her course enough not to take a direct hit on NYC.

My emotions have run the gamut this week from elation, joy, over-the-moon-love to lots of anxiety, fear, overwhelming urges to cry and everything in between. I know it's all normal, but having gone through an unexpected early labor, an earthquake while in the hospital (yes, I felt it), hospitalizing my 4 day old son and now potentially living through a hurricane - all within the last 6 days - is a little trying on the system.

So, I'm waiting for shift change at the hospital to call and see what Will's numbers were in the middle of the night. They'll do a repeat test at 9am this morning to compare and see if they've dropped. If so, we'll hopefully take him home today. If not...I don't know...which is what scares me to the most.

34 week randomness

I've made it past 34 weeks (34w2d today). This feels like such a huge milestone for me, I can't imagine my next milestone - 36 weeks! I had a doctor's appointment last Tuesday and things still seem to be progressing like normal. I had a lot of pelvic pain/pressure and hip pain on Wednesday but I think it was just lots of growing and stretching because it seemed back to normal on Thursday. I didn't think things could stretch anymore, but apparently they can!

I have lots of random things to say so the rest of the post will be bullet points (my favorites!).

• Hubby and I finally figured out a solution for shelves in the nursery/office/guest room. I was able to find a shelf/bookcase thingy at Ik.ea (for $40...score!) that fit exactly in the 12" we have between the crib and the closet door. It couldn't have been more perfect. We trekked out there yesterday and picked it up - along with 25 other things that weren't on the list but we absolutely had to have - and Hubby assembled it last night. It looks great and now I can put all the Woowoo's cute little books and knick knacks on display. We have a few more things to finish in the room and then I'll post some pics.

• Getting dressed in the morning has turned into a circus act, specifically I equate putting on my underwear to the ring toss. My belly is so big it's not comfortable to bend over and put one leg in the underwear and then the other. Sitting on the bed is not ideal because we have a low platform bed that isn't the easiest to stand up from. Going commando (at least on a daily basis) isn't really my style. So I've resorted to holding my panties in my right hand, as close to my foot as I can, and kind of tossing them over my foot without letting go...hoping to get the aim correct. Most days it works, but like any true circus ring toss game, sometimes it takes a few tries. Fortunately Hubby has not witnessed this yet...I fear he would hurt himself from laughing too hard at the sight of his wife trying to put her underwear on:)

• I think I'm keeping The Conta.iner St.ore in business these days. My nesting instinct has taken the form of organizing everything in our apartment. My recent trip included containers to organize our medicine cabinets in the bathroom. Next on the list...the junk drawer!

• I finally met my first IF bloggie friend in person. Last week I had the pleasure of having a very enjoyable lunch with Park Slope Purgatory. She and I both go to the same doctor (thanks to the recommendation of Sienna) and have shared similar IF experiences. It worked out that she was going to be in my neighborhood on a day I was working from home. It was so nice to relax and have a leisurely brunch with her, some of which was focused on babies, but some was just typical girl/lunch chat. I look forward to the next time we get to hang out!

• Next weekend is the annual Naut.ica New York City Tria.thlon. I was signed up to participate in the race this year, but had to defer to next year for obvious reasons. While I can't think of a better reason not to participate in this years race, it's also bittersweet for me. I don't talk about it much here, but I am a triathlete and have participated in over 20 triathlons in the past 7 years. It's a part of my life and makes me who I am. I desperately miss training for a race and feeling the adrenaline rush of what I've just accomplished as I cross the finish line. I've come to terms with not doing the race year because I'll be participating in my own type of race and feeling a totally different type of adrenaline rush in a few short weeks when I meet my Woowoo. Until then, I'll be in Central Park next weekend cheering on all the triathletes who will be swimming, biking and running their way to their own finish line!

Heat = An unhappy preggo

I know almost the entire country has been hit by the crazy heat wave the past week, but Oh My God!!! It's been extra miserable in NYC because of all the pavement (we topped out at 104 humid degrees on Friday). I never thought 85 degrees would feel cool until I walked out the door this morning.

I worked from home Friday so I wouldn't have to descend into the bowels of hell (aka, the NYC subway system) to get to the office. I never left the apartment and was perfectly OK with that, until our refrigerator decided it was done with the heat as well. The freezer is working fine, but the fridge has crapped out on us. During a heat wave. In the middle of July. When all an 8-month pregnant woman wants is a cold glass of chocolate milk. The repairman is coming tomorrow afternoon, but until then...ugh!

I had another meltdown on Saturday morning, and I contribute it equally to the heat and the hormones. I was getting ready to leave for yoga and Hubby was reading the newspaper on his computer in bed. I climbed on the edge of the bed to lay with him for a few minutes before I had to leave and the force of my gigantic body/belly caused his laptop to slip off and almost hit the floor.

I lost it and started crying over the fact that I'm constantly hot and I'm huge - to the point that I'm making computers fall off beds! I feel fat, even though most of it is baby, and I'm sticky all the time. I just can't cool down enough. Even if I weren't pregnant, I would feel fat and swollen from the heat. Thankfully Hubby let me cry for a few minutes, hugged me and told me how cute my belly was. He suggested I skip yoga, but that was the one thing I knew would bring me back to reality and calm me down a little - and it did. Well, it calmed me down, it definitely did not cool me down!

I tried to stay inside the rest of the weekend, or at least kept my ventures out to places within the neighborhood. It's frustrating, because I really do love being outside, but right now I care more about being as comfortable as possible than I do about enjoying the outdoors.

Despite all my complaining, I am so grateful to have my little Woowoo flipping around in my belly. And he can stay in there a few more weeks (even in this heat) if it means he'll come out big, strong and healthy (well maybe not TOO big) :)

Baby nurse—check!

Up until a year ago I had never heard the term "baby nurse". Or if I had, I just figured it was a woman who worked as a nurse specializing in baby care.

After going through all of my IF treatments and having a few friends have babies in NYC, I became familiar with the more common meaning for a baby nurse—basically someone who comes into your home and stays with you to help take care of your newborn (she probably isn't a certified RN, but might have some certifications and/or formal training).

Even though I knew what a baby nurse was, it's not something I had ever given any thought to. Why would I? All of my friends with kids had done it themselves or with the help of a family member. That's how I was raised and I didn't know any different.

About 3 months into my pregnancy Hubby brought up the topic and told me he thought it would be a good idea to have someone help us at first. I was immediately against it because I felt if I can't take care of this newborn on my own then I'm going to be a failure as a mother (I know, slightly irrational, but I'll blame that on the first trimester hormones).

The more we talked the better the idea sounded, though. I've never cared for a newborn, Hubby barely knows what to do with a 6-month old let alone a slippery, squirmy newborn, and we don't have any family close by to guide us. OK, so I was sold—we would get a baby nurse for the first couple of weeks and then we would be on our own.

I started my research a couple weeks ago, after I finished up the freelance project. I received some recommendations from friends, friends of friends and people in my expectant moms group.

I began the phone calls on Monday morning, and after four phone interviews I found someone I was interested in. On paper (based on the recommendation from her reference) she was everything we were looking for:
• experienced
• recommends putting baby on an eat/sleep schedule from the beginning
• knowledgeable and supportive of breastfeeding
• willing to teach me what she's doing and why she's doing it as opposed to just taking care of the baby
• adaptable to our home and lifestyle
• flexible if we want to extend her stay beyond 2 weeks
• on the lower end of the price range for a NYC baby nurse
• requires a deposit and contract to reserve her time (surprisingly, some of the women weren't interested in this which made me nervous that once the Woowoo comes the baby nurse would have committed to someone else)

Her reference had nothing but great things to say about her so I was sold. I spoke with Y (the baby nurse) yesterday afternoon. She emailed some info and her contract and we agreed to an in-person interview last night. It all happened so quickly my head was spinning and pounding. I literally got a headache from the craziness of how it all went down in the matter of hours.

She came to our apartment at 8pm, but unfortunately Hubby got stuck at a work event and was unable to meet her. Thankfully, I immediately felt comfortable and at ease with her. She was so easy to be around, yet I could tell she was a very strong woman who would help me learn how to care for my new little guy. We chatted for over an hour and half and at the end I signed on the dotted line and gave her a deposit to reserve her for at least two weeks in September.

I'm beyond excited to have found her and relieved to have this taken care of, especially knowing the Woowoo, Hubby and I will be good hands!

Snow day

I grew up in the Midwest, in the snowbelt on the east side of Cleveland, so the idea of a snow day isn't new to me. I lived in Chicago for eight years so wind and cold aren't a big deal. But I live in NYC now and the winters are supposed to be mild, a small amount of snowfall each year, temps in the 30s, basically - tolerable. I don't know why Mother Nature is so pissed off this year, but she's giving us a beating! We got another 19" last night. I live close to the subway and my office is close to the subway, so technically I could have made it into work, but it was easier to "work from home" and stay in my cozy clothes and watch the snow from inside. So that's what I'm doing...and maybe a little blogging in between working:)

I haven't posted in a while because I don't have a whole lot to say. My life has been comfortably quiet. And the things I do have to say are random and scattered, so I think a list will be best.

• In addition to my full time job I do freelance work. I haven't had much work since October, but my biggest client just gave me a new project that will take the next couple of months. The money will be good, but it will mean my lazy evenings and weekends spent lounging around are coming to an end.

• All is good with the Woowoo. I had another weekly ultrasound on Tuesday (7w3d) and the heartbeat was up to 150bpm and my bloodwork was great. I have one more u/s with the Doc this upcoming Tuesday then he's going to release me to my gyn (woohoo!). Which brings me to another point...

• I feel like an idiot for even admitting this, but apparently my gyn doesn't deliver babies. I don't know how I never knew this but it makes sense since if I really think about it. I'd never seen a pregnant woman in her office, she is a solo practitioner, there aren't any "mommy" magazines around the office, etc. I called today to make my first appointment with her and the receptionist told me she was on vacation until next week and then she would call me back and give me a baby doc referral. I did a little research on my own and found two practices associated with Cor.nell that I'm going to consider as well. If any NY bloggers have recommendations for a good baby doc associated with either Cor.nell or NYU hospitals I welcome them!

• I've been very fortunate to have minimal symptoms. I've only had a few days of mild nausea (and it usually hits in the early evening, thankfully not at work). But inteasd of morning sickness, I have been plagued with horrible indigestion...again, mostly in the evenings. The only thing that seems to relieve it is excessive burping. I swear its sounds like a frat house in my apartment some nights! The exhaustion comes and goes but the hunger seems to always be around. I want to eat constantly which might be contributing to the little buldge I have going on! I haven't gained any weight but some of my pants are definitely tight. I know it's too early to show so I can only attribute it to my food intake or the indigestion. I'm definitely not complaining...I do know how blessed I am to even be pregnant!

• The cysts are still hanging around which is really annoying me. Despite the crappy weather, Hubby and I have been going out to the park a couple times a week so he can run and I can walk. I really, really want to run with him but I'm being good and following the Doc's orders.

• In other workout news, I interviewed two pre-natal trainers over the last week and think I'm going to hire one of them to work with me once a week. He's fantastic, has vast amounts of experience with pre- and post-natal training and will come to my apartment! I've continued my swimming, elliptical and walking, but I want to incorporate some strength into my baby workouts as well as yoga, and I think he's the guy who can help me.

This post is getting too long (I'm starting to bore myself!), and I've avoided work long enough. Must get back to the grind.

A week of firsts

I've lived in NYC for three and half years. In that time I've never had a solo celebrity recognition. I've been with friends who have recognized celebrities, but I've never noticed one without someone else first telling me who it was. I just don't have that celebrity radar the way some people do. Well, on Wednesday I was walking out of my office building saw Bla.ke Liv.ely (Goss.ip Gi.rl and Siste.rhood of the Trave.ling Pa.nts) walking towards me. I was able to hold the door open for her as she entered my office building (there is a sound studio below my office so there are always celebrities going in and out, I just never see them). She was much taller than I expected, but her hair was as amazing in person as on TV. I was so excited to have had my first real, solo celebrity sighting!

Wednesday night I was getting ready for bed, taking my evening progesterone suppository and noticed some pinkish spotting. I immediately started freaking out and had a restless nights sleep while visions of what happened last time ran through my mind. Things were a little better Thursday morning with less spotting that had turned all brown. By Thursday afternoon all seemed to be good. But then Thursday night the redish/pinkish color was visible when I inserted the progesterone (sorry for TMI). This morning it was a brownish/red but still there. I'm trying not to worry about it because everything else is the same as it's been. I keep thinking this is a result of the cysties on my right side. If things get worse, I'll call the Doc and see what he says. Tuesday is the next ultrasound and it sounds sooooo far away. I was hoping for a quiet, low-key long weekend but at this rate I'm going to be a total basket case the entire time.

I had to attend a going away party for a co-worker last night. I have always been one of a small group of colleagues that goes out for happy hour a couple times a month, so I had to go for fear of raising questions. I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with the fact that I couldn't drink because it's still way to early to tell anyone from work about the WooWoo. I was surprised how easy it was. We were all seated at a big table and I snuck away to ask the waitress to order me a gin and soda with no gin. She smiled knowingly and did exactly as I asked numerous times throughout the night as the rounds kept coming. No one was the wiser, which is good, because there is a birthday celebration next week that I'll have to go to as well.

And one last first to round out the week is the beginning of some nausea. I can't really call it morning sickness because it happened at night. I was in a cab on my way home from the work party last night and thought I was going to get sick. I almost had the cabbie pull over but decided to just take a deep breath and hope it would pass. I eventually made it home, but still wasn't feeling great when I went to bed. Things seem to be settled down this morning, thankfully, and drinking my decaf green tea right now is feeling pretty good.

The week isn't over and it's already proving to be a crazy one. I really hope this trend doesn't continue into the weekend...