Thursday, September 22, 2011

One month old

Mr. William was one month old yesterday! My little man is getting so big! We had his one-month doctor appointment this morning and he's up to 9lbs and is 21.5" long (he's definitely longer than he is wide). He got one shot but handled it like a champ. The doctor said everything looked great, the only thing he said is we could increase Will's feeding amounts if he would take more. Other than that, we're right on target (whew, I still get nervous after the jaundice issue).

We went through a period last week where he didn't want to sleep during the day, but was still sleeping at night. It had me completely stressed out by the end of the day to the point that he and I were both in tears. Thankfully, Hubby and I were able to get him back to his routine over the weekend and we're doing much better this week (although the general exhaustion is overwhelming!). Will still has a couple periods during the day where he doesn't sleep, but he's content just hanging out, being read to, going for a walk, etc.

Monday was our first "new mom's group" which was great. It's run by the same woman I went to for an "expectant mom's group" while I was pregnant. It was comforting to hear some of the things other moms are going through and realizing that all the crazy things I'm feeling, the irrational fears, the self-doubt, all of it is normal. I've been scared to put Will in the Baby Bj.orn because I thought he was too little, but there was another mom there who had her son in it and he's the same age as Will. It gave me a boost of confidence to at least open the package. Granted, I haven't tried it yet, but I'm getting closer than I was a week ago...baby steps.

I'm still have milk supply issues, but we've seemed to settle into a pattern that is working for us. It's still exhausting and time consuming, but I feel less guilty now than I did a couple weeks ago. I nurse Will when he first wakes up in the morning, then I nurse him a second time in the morning. After that I wait a couple of hours and pump. The next feeding is expressed milk in a bottle, I pump again and give him another bottle of expressed milk (if I have enough, some days I don't). By this point we're getting ready for his bedtime feedings which always switch over to formula. I pump once more before I go to bed and we use formula for the remainder of his nighttime feedings. So he's getting about 50/50 right now. As we increase his feeding amounts, he'll be getting more formula but that's OK. I'm giving him as much breast milk as I can. I'll be OK with that if I can continue this routine until 6 weeks. We'll see...

Other than the daytime sleeping issues we had, my little man is such a joy. He is so curious and loves to look around and take everything in. He gets a baby massage every night after his bath and he LOVES it, especially having his little legs and back massaged. I can't stop kissing and "eating" his chubby little cheeks and his double chins. I'm starting to getting little half smiles from him in the mornings and hearing sounds that aren't cries or farts...they're really baby gurgles/giggles:)

Slowly, very slowly, and with the help of Hubby, I'm starting to get the hang of this thing and feel more comfortable and more confident in myself as a mommy.

Will - one month old

Monday, September 12, 2011

Life as a mommy

Wow, I can't believe I have a 3-week old. Actually, if I look at my erratic blogging and commenting yes I can. I apologize for being a slacker, but I'm still trying to get into my routine. So, for now I'm going with the classic bullet point post...

• Will is doing great. We went for his 2-week checkup last week and he had surpassed his birth weight which was a huge relief given how much he lost because of the early dehydration and jaundice. Dr. L said we were doing great with him and the jaundice episode is completely behind us.
• Well, the jaundice episode might be behind us physically, but mentally it's left me totally gun shy. From day one I haven't been producing enough milk for Will, despite diligent pumping and every other trick in the book. So, we've been supplementing with formula at night and expressed breast milk during the day (I haven't been confident he would get enough from nursing. I'm more comfortable giving it to him in a bottle so I KNOW he's getting enough). It's exhausting to feed him a bottle of breast milk and then have to pump an hour later. Honestly, it leaves no time for anything.
• I mentioned all this to Dr. L and he said to nurse him the first two feeds in the morning when my supply is at it's highest. I've been trying that for a couple days now and it seems to be OK, although I'm still not confident he's getting enough at the second feed. But at least I know he can make up for it later in the day if he needs to through the bottle.
• I don't know how long I can keep up the nursing/pumping/formula scenario. I want him to get as much breast milk as he can (and I do enjoy the few nursing sessions we do have), but I also need to find a time balance. I'm feeling horribly guilty that I'm even thinking about stopping the nursing at 6 weeks. I can't help it. I feel like I'm failing my son, even though the rational side of me knows he really is thriving. Hubby has been incredibly supportive about whatever I want to do, which isn't helping me feel any less guilty...
• I've gotten more comfortable taking Will out of the apartment on my own. Hubby is back at work full time and we no longer have the baby nurse during the day (just a couple nights during the week which will end at the end of this week). It's always an accomplishment if I'm able to shower and brush my teeth before noon, and an even bigger accomplishment if we get out of the apartment. For the most part Will does great, unless it's close to feeding time. Then all hell breaks loose because when this guy is hungry you better feed him PRONTO!
• Will is a pretty gassy baby, but we're starting to distinguish his gassy cries from his other cries so we can act accordingly (rub his back, try to burp him again, use the gas drops if we get desperate, etc.). Other than the gas, he's generally a very happy baby.
• Even though I know it's likely just gas, I think I got the beginnings of a smile from him yesterday morning. It melted my heart and made me forget how tired I was. Who knew one little gassy smile would bring such pleasure?!?!
• As for me, I've lost all the weight except 3 pounds which are going to be the hardest (fortunately, I only gained 25lbs total so I didn't have tooooo much to lose). Everything on my body is soft and mushy. As soon as I'm able I need to get my body back to some sort of normal...it's driving me nuts.
• Despite all the challenges, feelings of guilt, wondering if I'm doing this wrong and screwing my kid up for the rest of his life, he is 100% worth it!!!

Monday, September 5, 2011

My fairytale ending...and a new beginning

WARNING: This post is going to have lots of TMI and is going to talk about my birth experience. If you're struggling with IF issues you may want to skip this post (I know I likely would have a year ago!).

After my 37-week doctor's appointment on Friday when Dr. B. told me I was 2cm and he wouldn't be surprised if I delivered in the next week, Hubby and I went into overdrive. We finished the nursery (I'll save that for another post), I ran lots of errands, finally packed my hospital bag and got lots of food to cook during the week and freeze.

I had plans on Sunday to meet another preggo friend for a walk at 4pm and then a haircut and color at 6:15pm (my grays desperately needed to be covered!!). I ran a few final errands Sunday morning and was back home around 12:15pm. I sat down on the couch to rest for a few minutes and noticed a little dampness in my underwear. I went to the bathroom and everything seemed normal but things were a little more wet than they were 5 minutes prior (and I had just used the bathroom so I knew it wasn't pee). There was no color or odor, but it was so minimal I put it out of my mind. About 10 minutes later I had the same damp feeling again. Another bathroom check and there was a little more wetness on my underwear.

Hubby was getting ready to go into the office for a couple of hours, so I walked into the other bathroom and told him I thought my water might be starting to break. What was his reaction...a totally blank stare! I think we were both in a little bit of a shock. We decided I would wait another half hour and see if there was more wetness and then call the doctor.

He went to the office and I tried to relax. 15 minutes later and more wetness. At this point, I put on a light pad and called the doctor and left a message for him to call me back. Dr. S. was on call Sunday, so he called back about a half hour later and told me the only way to know for sure was for me to come into the hospital. I called Hubby and we agreed he would come home in an hour and we'd go to the hospital. During that time I had a few small gushes, although I use that term lightly. They were like mini-gushes; I could feel fluid leaking out but never really felt a gush.

We got to the hospital around 4:30pm, and I was in the triage area, in a gown and hooked up to the monitors by 5:00pm. Dr. S. came over and did a quick check of the fluid. Ironically, as soon as he had me open my legs I had a gush...yep, my water broke and I was in labor! He didn't do an internal to see how far along I was because once the water breaks it makes the risk of infection go up dramatically.

This whole time I'd been having contractions, but they weren't consistent and weren't very strong. They were gradually getting stronger, but nothing more painful than period cramps. Dr. S. had my birth plan with him, which he was OK with except for the fact that now that my water had broken we were working against the clock because of an infection risk. He suggested giving me a low dose of Pitocin to get the contractions to become more regular and stronger. I agreed, but still asked to not have an epidural.

I kind of lost track of time at this point, but probably around 7:00ish the nurse and Dr. S. came in to see how I was doing. I was being given the lowest dose of Pitocin but it was definitely working. The contractions were pretty regular and definitely stronger. I was having to concentrate on my breathing to get through them. We talked about an epidural but I still didn't want one. I did agree to have the consultation with the anesthesiologist just in case. We talked, I understood everything and he went on his way. I worked through another half hour or so of the contractions and decided I'd already had an IV and Pitocin so I was going to get the epidural. Lesson learned...birth plans are just that, a plan. Nothing is set in stone!

The anesthesiologist came back within 5 minutes, got me set up and did his thing. It didn't really hurt other than the shot to numb the area, and it was over within 10 minutes. Dr. S. told me I should feel the full effects within 10-20-minutes. After 20 minutes, my left side was feeling 100x better, but I could still feel almost the full effect of the contractions on my right side. I called the nurse back in and she got the anesthesiologist to correct things so I'd have equal relief. Another 15 minutes later and I finally had relief on both sides. I was still aware of the peak of the contractions because of a feeling of pressure, but it wasn't the intense, white-knuckle pain I was feeling before.

At this point, Dr. S. wanted to do an internal to see how things were progressing. It was probably 8 or 8:30pm by now. He did his thing and told me I was 7cm dilated. We were all shocked how far along I was! Apparently my body had kicked it into high gear and took over the contractions. They turned off the Pitocin and let my body (and the Woowoo) continue doing its thing.

45 minutes later Dr. S. came back to do another check and announced we had reached 9cm and I would be having a baby very soon. To be honest, I was still in shock I was labor so to hear that I would have my baby so soon was totally surreal. Thankfully Hubby was there with me to calm me down. We started placing bets as to what time he would come out. It turned into a texting game of Price Is Right with his family about the time. I predicted the earliest time at 12:17am, I figured I'd be pushing for a while.

Dr. S. and the nurse left for a bit but told us to let them know right away if I felt the urge to push, or rather the urge to poop. I started to feel some small urges with contractions but nothing like "Oh my God, I have to take a giant crap RIGHT NOW!".

Around 9:45pm, they came back in and after another internal I was at 10cm. It was go time! The nurse got the room ready, Dr. S. got his speakers and his pushing playlist ready and the baby nurse came in (yes, my doctor brought in portable speakers, hooked up his iPod and had a pushing playlist...it was awesome!!)

They had me slid down almost on my back, but with Hubby behind my head supporting my back. I grabbed behind my thighs and they had me push twice. These weren't the "real" pushes, but rather to see where the baby's head was. After the two pushes, Dr. S. announced I was having this baby NOW. And then my contractions stalled. Fabulous. It took about 2 minutes before I had another contraction and felt the urge to push. I took a big deep breath, Hubby supported my back and I leaned over my belly while pushing as hard as I could. The rumors are true, you really do push like you're trying to take a giant poop! The baby crowned with that push to the point that Hubby could see hair (even though he was at the "north end" as Dr. S. put it). Another contraction came, and another deep breath and push...out came the baby's head. The next push ended up being a half push, Dr. S. told me half way through it to not push so hard and the baby's shoulders and baby slid right out.

I couldn't believe it...basically three pushes and I was looking at my son! (Sidebar: the postpartum hormones are no joke, I just started crying as I typed that sentence...I have a son!!). Apparently the little man had to go to the bathroom because he had his first bowel movement immediately and all over me. I had no clue and didn't even care. I guess it was pretty huge because it was everywhere, so the nurse gave him a quick 15 second wipe down and then handed him to me. He wasn't really crying, just kind of whimpering, but calmed down and started to lose the blue color once he was on my chest. The feeling was beyond words. I started crying, Hubby couldn't stop smiling and the Woowoo just nuzzled into me.

I got to hold my little boy for about 20 minutes while I delivered the placenta 8 minutes later and Dr. S. sewed me up. I had two minor (first degree) tears that required a few stitches. I think they probably happened when he told me to stop pushing so hard. Oops...

The baby nurse came over and took Will to the warmer to get cleaned up, put a diaper on (we weren't sure if he was done pooping yet or not), and get a quick check. She had him back in my arms in 10 minutes where he immediately found my boob and started going to town. That was another totally indescribable feeling. It calmed me down and he seemed so content. Meanwhile, Hubby is snapping pictures and taking videos, all the while staring at Will with the cutest, silliest grin on his face.

Within in an hour or so I was transferred up to my room and Hubby and I settled in for the night. I never went to sleep, I stayed up the whole time holding Will and just staring at him. I couldn't believe such an amazing little being came out of me. It was (and still is) such a totally surreal experience...and one I am incredibly thankful to have been blessed to experience.

I finally got my fairytale ending! Now it's time for a new beginning of a whole different kind (and maybe I need to rethink my blog name?!?!).